Vodka burrito was a success
You Might Also Like
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I think we should hear other voices.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls