[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
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oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.