Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
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me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Tier 3 meme
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
The real reason evolution started..😂
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”