i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
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How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new