[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
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The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
me doing my best
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.