If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
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One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god