MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
You Might Also Like
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*