Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
You Might Also Like
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
OMG 🤣🤣
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.