[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
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One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
What a year we’ve had this week.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend