Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
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But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
buys donuts instead
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?