280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
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ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?