Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
You Might Also Like
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
The Weeknd is back
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible