Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
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“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.