The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
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cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him