I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
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Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.