I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
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Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
can’t catch a break
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”