me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
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I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.