if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
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Roadkill is just a goth zoo
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
it was love at first sight
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep