the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
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Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide