I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
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For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers