I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
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Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.