I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
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“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Facebook memories be like
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb