The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
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Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
X-tra spooky blend