Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
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This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.