CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
You Might Also Like
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.