GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
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Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.