‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
You Might Also Like
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.