6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
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Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.