[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
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Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.