A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
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if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.