I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
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‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Well, shit
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Born to be mild.
for all #parents out there
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.