I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
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My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣