The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
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When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.