What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
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to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Big Sex has us all fooled
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️