Okey dokey.
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A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.