For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
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Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”