I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
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Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
there has never been a better use of this meme
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I’ve had relationships like this
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.