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*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Not helping
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I laughed at this way too hard.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break