Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
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me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Social Media and Real life
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.