New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
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I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer