[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
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Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Love is in the air fryer.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
“i am a sweet baby”
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then