You Might Also Like
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Smile they said.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard