Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
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I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs