Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
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My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
“Sheer Arrogance”
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.