me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
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[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
This is a bad sign
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.