nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
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If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
this has done me in for some reason
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.