If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
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[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Shower sex be like:
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards