Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
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I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
🤣🤣
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”