Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
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Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Me trying to walk in a dream
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt