Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
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Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Try and stop me.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Catercrombie & Fish
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom